Full Disclosure - Why I Moved to Hawaii

Recently, a friend of mine asked me how I ended up in Hawaii. I'll try to keep it brief, but it's a long story...

In July of 2012 I made the decision to unload my personal possessions, quit my job, move to Hawaii and volunteer full time in exchange for a roof over my head and food to eat. It was an extreme change from the life I was living in Ohio, but that was the whole point.

Before Hawaii – I had a financially stable job that allowed me the freedom to work from home, but I was miserable. I had my own place, my own car, my bills were paid, I could put food on the table, but I was miserable. I'd just completed the third round of radiation and quarantine, and my doctor wrote me a “clean bill of health” by telling me that I was going to spend the remainder of my life on medications. That was the straw that broke this camel's back.

I knew that was a lie, and I was done living a lie.

I had a great job (on paper), but I didn't feel fulfilled, instead I felt like a fraud because I was discouraged from being totally truthful with clients. I had my own place, but my neighbors frequently turned into verbally abusive stalkers when I didn't return their affections or accept their advances – my sanctuary was no longer serene.

Chemotherapy was hard on my body. I could barely walk the 15 steps from my bed to my desk without debilitating pain. I could barely work for 3 hours without becoming so fatigued that I needed to sleep for several hours, which is pitiful considering I had a very sedentary job.

I could barely dress myself without pain and fatigue, I felt like a total failure because I couldn't even stand up long enough to wash dishes or prepare a proper meal. I was not living by any stretch of the imagination.

In short, something had to give.

To keep myself occupied (read: distracted from the misery that was my “life”) I took up work as a freelance writer. One of my first commissions was ghost writing a book about raw food dieting. That planted the seed...

Next, I started transcribing audio for the author Simon Sinek (Start with Why)
The deeper I delved into the material for my freelancing assignments, the more I realized I needed a full lifestyle reboot. So I started to dig deep and ask myself hard questions:

What do you want?
What do you enjoy doing?
What makes you feel fulfilled?
When are you your happiest?
What are you doing when you lose sense of time?

The fact is, I'm not motivated by money. I'm motivated by being physically active, engaged in something creative, and helping others feel genuinely happy. After some research, I realized that I could achieve all of these things by dedicating myself to volunteering, and there are tons of people in need of volunteers to help lift their burdens.

What better place to volunteer full time than Hawaii?

I arrived in Hawaii in September 2012, and started working at my first work/trade location – a 15-acre coffee farm at the start of coffee picking season. It was grueling work, physically taxing labor, and I loved every minute of it. Yes, I was still in pain. Yes, I was still fatigued. But I refused to give in. I'd quit my job, donated all of my material possessions, I had nothing to go back to, and only one way to go, and that was head-long towards reclaiming my life. Every day I listened to my body, and slowly weened myself off of all my medications. Within 18 months I'd stopped taking all meds, I'd lost a significant amount of weight, I was walking several miles a day, and I was starting to recognize my reflection in the mirror once more.

That first year on the Big Island I volunteered at four different locations, each one with its own valuable insights, lessons, challenges, and growth opportunities.

In July of 2013 I arrived at Hale Maluhia (The House of Peace) and accepted the volunteer position of housekeeper. This place truly lives up to its name, and I feel like I'm home. Every day I feel healthier and happier, more valued and significant than ever before.

The Spaces in Between – Learning to Enjoy Silence and Solitude

I'm a pretty laid back and relaxed kind of gal. For the most part I'm content with my solitude, but that wasn't always the case. I'm a homebody and a hermit, yes, but there was once a time when the thought of dining in public alone was a cause for panic.
With some time, practice, and deliberate stretching of my comfort zone, I've come to find so much peace with my own company that not only has my alone time become fulfilling, my relationships are more rewarding as well. I no longer need the company of another to make me feel complete. Better yet, when enjoying the company of another, I no longer feel the need to fill the air with useless noise. I'm able to simply enjoy the comfort of their company, even if we're sitting side by side in blissful silence.
Though it may seem like a challenge, obtaining this sort of serenity really isn't so difficult. Here's a few methods that helped me grow comfortable in my own skin.

Celebrate Your Independence

• Count Your Blessings – Sometimes, when we get all caught up in the noise that's banging around in our heads, it can be tempting to listen to the nagging voice of insecurity. It's at these times that we become most vulnerable to self-sabotage in the form of counting all of our past disappointments. This ugly cycle only leads to stress, mental-anguish, and depression.
  Switch things up by using this time to count your blessings. Write down a few things that happened during the day to make you feel grateful or optimistic. To really boost the signal on your blessings, share this good news with your friends over Facebook or Twitter. Sharing the things that make you genuinely smile causes others to genuinely smile too. It's like a yawn, totally contagious.
• Let it Be – We can't be all things to everyone, even though it might sound nice to be regarded as the savior of the day. Truth is, the need to control every last detail, or have a handle on matters which are beyond your reach gets to be really exhausting. Chances are there may be someone else who is equally qualified to handle one of your many tasks, let them do it and don't complain when their approach is different. Instead, be thankful that you've been given a chance to focus on more pressing matters like relaxing and enjoying life. Let someone else take the wheel once in a while, and enjoy the view for a change.
• Enjoy Your Company – Now that you've got all sorts of free-time on your hands, what the heck are you supposed to do to fill the hours? The simple answer is: have fun! Ask yourself what you want to do, and then get out there and do it. Want to wear funky socks, curl up under the covers, and read a trashy romance novel? Okay! Doesn't a bowl of ice cream and a few hours of nail art tutorials on YouTube sound positively awesome? Treat yourself!
• Build a Sanctuary – If you're having trouble relaxing in your personal space because it feels more like a prison than a paradise, it may be time for a little make-over. A fresh coat of paint, a few scented candles, even a simple rearranging of the furniture can really breathe new life into a room and make it feel more special.    

Moving On Gracefully – Crossing Paths With “The Ex” Without Running for the Exit

Recently, a friend of mine and I decided to go in separate directions. Is this a permanent thing? Meh, time will tell. Right now, it was time to call it quits and let go of a lot of unnecessary drama.

It was a break-up, just like any other, and break-ups aren't always easy. My friend and I simply reached a point in our relationship where it was challenging to communicate without being hurtful, and I have a strict personal policy that if I can't speak to someone in kind, loving tones then I simply cannot speak to them. I have no desire to shout, I'd much rather disengage and return to the comfort of peace until enough time has passed that we can behave like mature adults.

In my mind, this is how break-ups should go – take a break so each person can move on to bigger and better things. No contact, no communication, things are severed for a while so both parties can evaluate the situation from a different perspective, and grow as individuals.

Naturally, some need for contact is going to happen eventually, but once the relationship is over it's time to move on and do so with grace and dignity. If your ex is still trying to maintain contact with you, here are a few ways of dealing with the situation like a boss.

• Email – Depending on the content of the email, you can probably just ignore it and send it to the trash bin. If there's no remaining business between you and your ex (think divorce details and childcare arrangements) then there's no reason to respond to an email communication if you have no desire. When it comes to all the ways you could bump into your ex and walk away without awkwardness, deleting an email is the least intrusive method.
  What to do: If you must respond, however, focus solely on business and keep it as emotion-free as possible. Just the facts and nothing but the facts. No need to rehash anything, just keep it short, sweet, and simple.
• Random Text – I tend to stay on friendly terms with my exes. Choosing instead to cut and run long before things get past the point of no return. Even so, I do get a little suspicious when an ex I haven't heard from in a long time suddenly wants to know how life is treating me, because it usually turns into a chance for them to brag about how awesome their life is now. I mean, it's great that they're doing so awesome, but it's not a competition or a chance to keep score.
  What to do: Again, if a response is necessary, focus solely on business and don't get caught up in an exchange of emotions. Even if it comes across as chilly, there's nothing wrong with saying, “Hi, I'm fine. Too busy to talk now. Glad to hear you're awesome, bye!”
  
  
  
• Crossing Paths in Public – When you and your ex live in the same neighborhood you're bound to cross paths eventually. Short of hiding behind a stack of newspapers until the threat passes, it's probably a good idea to just suck it up and be polite. When bumping into your ex in public there's little chance of pretending you don't see one another, especially if you're trying to maintain mature and friendly terms in your relationship. There's also no luxury of carefully editing your words as you might in a text. And don't get me started on facial expressions and body language!
  What to do: Smile. Be polite. Ask how they are, tell them you're fine. Tie it all up with a neat little bow by saying how nice it is to see them doing well, pay for your groceries, and get out of there as quickly as you can without busting into a full-blown sprint. No need to incite a panic at the Safeway.

Taboo Topics

As I mentioned earlier, I'm one of those oddball types that stays on friendly terms with my ex's. I manage to do this successfully because there are a few topics of conversation that are simply off limits – particularly sex and money.

It's important to know why you want to maintain contact with an ex before you reach out and try to talk with them. For me, I like to break up before the relationship erodes past the point of repair. I don't like the idea of talking ugly to someone I love, so I often sever the relationship to maintain the friendship. Then we gimp along from there until the trust is restored. But that's a topic for another article!

Do you still bump into your ex's from time to time? How do you manage to do it gracefully?  

Someone Had to Say It – Clear Signs You're Chilling With a Loser

Losers, deadbeats, parasites, sponges, and life-suckers come in all shapes and sizes. The distinction of being a loser isn't something that's designated to just one gender. Trust me, I have known just as many deadbeat ladies as spirit-crushing dudes.

The information I'm about to share isn't directed to men or women in particular. Seriously, I have no desire to bash one gender or the other. I love everyone, which is why I think you deserve better than the loser you could be hanging with right this very minute. If you think you might be involved with a loser, look for these clear indicators.

How to Spot a Loser at Ten Paces

Anger Issues – Losers hate pretty much everything and fly off the handle at the smallest provocation. Tiny little details become reasons for major meltdowns in the mind of a loser, and this eventually starts to taint the relationship if you're rushing to soothe your friend's fragile nerves before the inevitable explosion. If the idea of being in the same room with your buddy leaves you feeling paranoid, tense, or otherwise stressed out, chances are their hot temper has reached loser proportions.

Super Clingy – Losers form attachments ridiculously fast. They go from “Nice to meet you” to “we have to do everything together, all the time!” with a quickness that seems rushed and uncomfortably rapid. When they start demand exclusive rights to your time and attention from that point on it's a good sign you'll want to create some distance. Otherwise, your loser buddy will see to it that everything becomes an opportunity to monopolize your time and separate you away from other responsibilities and interests.

Hates Your Whole Circle – Losers will find something wrong with every member of your family, every single one of your friends, and all of your co-workers. Even the ones they've never even met before! So much so that you will either be forced to disengage with your circle of support, or drop the loser. Unless you want to constantly defend yourself every time you go to work, call your mom, or have lunch with someone other than your loser, my suggestion is to drop the loser.

No Ambition – Losers will find a way to invite you out for a lunch date, then conveniently realize that they've forgotten their money at home right around the same time the bill arrives. Once or twice is a mild inconvenience. But if your bank account is steady draining because some loser in your life is sponging your funds, it's time to evaluate the dynamics of your relationship. Likewise, if your pal has no career goals, or purpose for living aside from constantly seeking your attention, it could be time to raise your standards.

Change is Possible

Just because someone might be a loser now doesn't mean they are destined to stay that way forever. Change is possible, but it has to occur from within. You're never going to change the loser in your life, they have to do that on their own. Cut your ties early, before the situation becomes abusive, and be happy for the peace of mind.

Room to Breathe – How to Give Each Other Space

I'm a homebody, no doubt about it. I'm perfectly content with my own company, so it doesn't bother me in the least to have hours, days, and weeks pass between visits with my friends. Those who know me best have come to accept my hermit-like ways as endearing. It's even a joke among my friends and I that I'm pretty much notorious for never initiating contact.

Not everyone is quite so comfortable with so much time and space to themselves, however. If you've reached that awkward stage in your relationship where you need to give each other some breathing room, I have some words of advice for enjoying personal space without going crazy.

• Take a Night Off – Time away is important. If you're just starting a new relationship it's easy to maintain at least one night a week to yourself to do anything you want to do. This could be anything, or nothing at all. You decide, it's your time to spend as you please. Be sure to treat your sweetie to the same sort of luxury.
  

  If you're in an established relationship and you've found yourself firmly joined to your partner's hip it may be a little tricky to get a night off. Maybe consider chilling out in different parts of the house, or simply doing something out of the ordinary, like taking the kids out for ice cream.
• Do Your Own Thing – Remember that art class you've been meaning to take, but you've been too busy pouring all of your time and energy into your relationship? Well, now is the time to go take that class! Seriously, you're worth it. Never give up on your own growth, being involved in chasing your varied interests will only give you and your honeypie something new to talk about. That's a good thing, right?
• Visit Friends – Are your buddies complaining about how much time has passed since they last saw you? This is a sure sign that you need to catch up with friends. Plan a spa day, a golf outing, a LAN party, something that will allow you to gather together and have fun.

Putting the FUN in Fundamentals

Everyone needs a bit of solitude once in a while, a chance to get back to who they are as an individual. The important thing to remember when seeking space for yourself, or allowing your sweetheart some space when they ask for it, is keep your attitude light and positive. This free time is an opportunity for fun, relaxation, and adventure. Allow yourself the opportunity to indulge often.   

Does That Ever Work? - Pick Up Lines that Fall Flat

Every time I go out with my gal pals we can count on at least one person trying to flirt with us. Not that I'm complaining, the positive attention and compliments are nice. Flirting is fun, I love that stuff!

There are occasions, however, when flirtation takes a sharp turn into Creeperville. Nothing can ruin an oceanside lunch date with the ladies quite like a lecher who doesn't know when to cut his line and cast his bait into more promising waters. Guys, I say this because I care. I want to see you be successful in the dating scene. Even if you're looking for a quick fling, there are some more graceful ways of getting your point across.

Flirtation Strategies With a Very Low Chance of Success

• Any Sort of Grunty Animal Noise – Look dude, we know what you're after - it's written all over your face. Literally. Me and all my girlfriends saw you look us up and down before you started licking your lips and grunting husky, “hot damns” in our direction. What you're considering a compliment is actually pretty skeevey. We don't like it. In fact, we'd like it if you would please stop. Better yet, go away.
• Begging – Most times I would say that a persistent attitude will pay off in the long run. However, if your idea of persistence is to hound me for attention and sexual favors, I'd really rather be alone. Begging has probably paid off in the past as some women have given in to stop the increasing levels whining. Even worse is begging me, then begging each of my friends, then begging all of us at the same time (ewww!). That doesn't really make you a suave pick-up artist.
• Cheesy Cliche Lines - “Hey baby, what's your sign?”, “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”, and other over-played pick-up lines are just worn-out and tired. Sure, they might be good for a laugh-inducing ice-breaker, but that's only if you've got the confidence and wit to carry the rest of the conversation without resorting to canned humor.

Keep It Simple, Stupid

Start with hello. Follow up with a friendly introduction and a confident hand shake. Seriously, it's as easy as that. Do all of this with a sincere smile and there's a good chance you've made yourself a new friend. Whether this will lead to sex or marriage remains to be seen, but it's such a rarity among pick-up methods that it's bound to be get someone's attention.

What are some of the worst pick-up lines you've ever heard? What's the worst line you've ever tried? Leave it in the comments! 

The Single Girl's Guide to Surviving the Holidays in Style

Tada! I did it! I survived yet another Christmas and New Years as a single woman, and I didn't punch anyone in the face. Trust me, there were some people that were really asking to be punched, but I kept my hands to myself. I didn't want to risk a great manicure by breaking a nail. People should thank me for being so considerate. Of course, with Valentine's Day right around the corner I'm not out of the woods just yet, but I do have a plan of action.

Make it a Movie Night, Every Night – Netflix never lets me down. After all these years, Netflix knows what I like and often makes appropriate suggestions according to my moods. Why yes, Netflix, I am most certainly interested in a period piece featuring a strong female lead. No, I don't care if it's historically accurate. I'm all about the costumes, cat-fights, and clever wit.

When it comes to surviving the holiday season, you can go one of two routes: Seasonal cult favorites (National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, Christmas Story, It's a Wonderful Life), or take a hard left and race towards horror movies and psychological thrillers. Or, if you're like me, you'll watch some fluffy eye candy and indulge in a marathon of Pretty Little Liars (skipping over the Christmas episodes is optional.)

Skip Parties – Holiday parties are filled with couples and meddling busy-bodies who only want to know one thing: why are you here alone? No matter how much I enjoy being single, finding a smooching buddy at midnight makes for some awkward morning after stories. When it comes to being single on New Years, it's best to skip parties and build a pillow fort. It's okay to indulge your inner cave woman.

Chill With Friends – Luckily, my besties are single as well. Since we've nothing better to do, we've decided to what we always do – plan an adventure. No doubt my Valentine's will be memorable and filled with laughter. Spending time with friends is a necessary factor in a long, healthy, and happy life. I make it a point to chill with my friends as often as possible, Valentine's Day is just another night on my busy schedule of laughing with the people I love.

No matter how you spend your Valentine's Day, take a moment to genuinely appreciate your friends and loved ones. I hope your upcoming year is filled with an abundance of prosperity, laughter, and love.